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Happy? Birthday?

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday (I'm adopted and could give a shit about my biologicaaaaaals), happy birthday to me."

Thanks for saving me, mom & dad. Sorry I didn't turn out like you hoped (beautiful prom queen, successful life and all), but I am happy--pretty much. Could've been a better daughter. Could've been a better friend. You never liked the gay thing--remember dad saying gays deserved to die--but you, mom, underneath all the Catholic, Polish, depression-era upbringing, always just wanted me to be happy (and marry a man who would take care of me---yeah, THAT happened).

So to my absent "friends" (few they are), my apologies for whatever it is that causes you fall away like dandruff (you know who you are); to my family, sorry for not being richer (because you all somehow seem to think it would make me a better person); to my friends who stuck around (one since I was born and another my friend for over 33 years), pass the word--I'm not so bad, I never was; to Kim: you're the best thing that has ever come my way. Even mom loves you. If God can't see that our relationship makes both of us better then he can just keep ignoring us because I love you with all my heart. When a woman at a job I had nearly 20 years ago told me the second half of my life would make the first half worth it, she was so right.

To Captain K: sorry I didn't let you kill yourself because I think that's what you really really wanted. Somehow, everything that happened that night is all my fault and you bear no responsibility at all. Hyper-educated, successful woman who couldn't see past her own pain to see mine. Okay for you to be shitfaced and act out but not me? I carry the bent shell casing in my pocket to remind me: drinking, depression and guns don't mix. I lost EVERYTHING moving to Asheville and I came home with even less--my tail between my legs. Eight years later I'm still wondering...how come? I could just as easily hold it against you for letting me go to that disasterous place. I thought we were friends. Apparently I was just your drinking buddy.  And I don't drink like that anymore. I didn't need to leap into AA, I never had that kind of problem. So at least I took something away from all those years of friendship besides how to make jam, can beets and groom a horse.

You were the coolest friend I ever had.  

I put myself out there all my life, just looking for some human contact, just wanting people to respond to me. It never happened. Even now. But, as I have grown ever older, it has mattered to me less and less.

They say you get what you deserve in life. I still say that's crap. Some of us are here to make God laugh.

I hope he's enjoying my show.

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 29, 2006 10:04 | link | comments (6)

Nothing Left to Offer

"No other road
No other way
No day but today ."

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 28, 2006 16:49 | link | comments (1)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To our eight friends (and occasional readers), the happiest of Christmases (in spite of everything), the safest of holidays ('cause the weather's supposed to be stormy), and all our best wishes, good thoughts and kisses, kisses, kisses for the coming new year.

Ho ho ho from Sandy, Kim Romeo, Brandy, Rizzo, Gizmo, Curley, Baby, Mama, Hercules, Paige and the Parthenon Fish.

We love you, Evelyn!

RIP James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 25, 2006 08:35 | link | comments (1)

Track Santa Via NORAD!

He's in Bulgaria Right Now! Location: Burgas, Bulgaria
Sight time: Sun Dec 24 14:45:00 EST 2006

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 24, 2006 14:47 | link | comments

Do You Believe?(via msnbc.com)

An AP-AOL poll shows 86 percent of us believed in Santa Claus as children.

As a kid, my dad went to great lengths to make sure we believed: not buying a Christmas tree until Christmas Eve (Santa brought it, also, the trees were cheaper the night before Christmas), making Santa-footprints in the yard and through the house (with spray-snow), scuffing up the yard where the reindeer paitently waited, never putting any name in the "From" line on a gift card except "Santa."

Hell, as a kid I remember wondering why my parents never gave us anything for Christmas...it was ALL from Santa.

Thanks mainly to the efforts of my dad, I believed in Santa until I was 23.

I sure miss my dad at Christmas. Love you, dad.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 22, 2006 19:35 | link | comments

Nouns of 2006

Bloggerel's special countdown of the nouns that made us (well, me anyway) sit up and take notice this year.

So here they are, in no particular order, The Nouns of 2006:

Ted Haggard	TomKat	Mark Foley
Michael Richards	Rachael Ray	Katie Couric
Nancy Pelosi	Mel Gibson	Kim Jong Il
Terrell Owens	Shiloh	Amish
Janjaweed	Pluto	K-Fed
Suri	Malawi	e-coli
Dana Reeve	Barbaro	Iraq
shotgun	immigrants	hostages
YouTube	polonium-210	THEA
hurricane	Charlie Crist	Citizen's
jerk

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 22, 2006 15:15 | link | comments
news, 2006, nouns, year-in-review

Jumper Pool No More?

Yes, it's a mean, nasty site with a pretend "pool" to predict the next Skyway jumper.

But it's disappeared. jumperpool.com has been offline for more than a week now. Mike Straub's site has been down on occasion but not for this long, to my memory.

Did he take it down for the holiday (unprecidented!)? Did free speech (albeit morbid free speech) lose? Was it a TOS violation (although after so many years you'd think if he'd violated TOS he'd have been off a long time ago)?

Did he jump?

Anyone? Bueller?

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 22, 2006 13:37 | link | comments (1)
death, cool sites

What the Mess Made:

If anyone ever gives you starter for Amish Friendship Bread...make it. The variations are endless: chocolate, zucchini, carrot, rum-raisin, cranberry, you name it. If it tastes good, it'll work. And DON'T spend money on the internet buying the recipe for the starter! What a crock.

I have it. The Amish secret.

Muahahahahaaaaaa!

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 22, 2006 10:00 | link | comments
food

Deep Frying Your Turkey this Holiday Season?(via msnbc.com)

If you plan on deep frying your holiday bird this year, the National Fire Protection Association recommends only a "trained professional" do the job.

"The National Fire Protection Association, which works to reduce the risk of fire, warns that electric fryers should be used only by trained professionals and not inside offices or homes. They can tip over and spill gallons of boiling oil, it said."

I plan on hiring "trained professional" uncle Walt to do my holiday frying. Not only is he a trained pipefitter but he also has a pacemaker, which should make it interesting should anything go wrong. Maybe we can do the frying on the roof over the foyer, making good use of that spilling, boiling oil should unwanted holiday guests (those wacky Jehovah's Witnesses) arrive.

Trained professionals?

"And what  experience do you have, Mr. Flatulent, that qualifies you to work for Turkeymore Industries?"

"Well, I'm a trained professional. Been deep-frying turkeys now for Gobblers, Inc. going on seven years. Before that, I was a friar."

Rim shot.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 22, 2006 08:45 | link | comments
food, holidays, fire

Next On Bloggerel:

What am I making with this 16-day old, fermenting, bubbling mess? Wait and see.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 21, 2006 14:14 | link | comments (2)
food

Christmas, Starring: Sandy's Oven!

This pretty bread dedicated to AM. For only having known one another for the six months of heaven/hell that was my stay in Asheville, NC, we have managed to stay in touch now for nearly ten years.

Thank-you.

And, no, I'm not sending you any. Heh-heh. I would, however, send you a Twister from that kooky restaurant where we used to drink...er eat. Remember the one? It was themed after an old schoolhouse.

Kim and I will be toasting the holidays tonight with Seabreezes and I will raise a glass to your friendship. Nikki is so lucky.

Hell, we all are. Merry Christmas.

I sure miss those Twisters!

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 21, 2006 14:08 | link | comments
food, friendship, christmas, asheville

Joyous Festivus To All!

Don't forget the airing of the grievances and feats of strength!

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 21, 2006 13:39 | link | comments
holidays

Donald Trump threatens Rosie?(via msnbc.com)
Thinks all lesbians can be had by the right man

In the midst of his "Forgiveness Across America Tour," Donald Schtump and Rosie O got tiffy. Now, the Don is suing Rosie.

Okay, go sue. But he felt the need to add this nasty-ass little comment:

“Rosie is somebody out of control who really just doesn’t have it and she ought to be careful because I’ll send one of my friends to pick up her girlfriend and I think it would be very easy.”

...which is basically just a variation on the tired old theme "all they need is a good f***. That's it. No more Apprentice for me. As if it would ever be picked up for yet another lame season. Give it up, Mr Trump. Powerful as you are, that single comment does it for me: Just another rich asshole with bad hair.

And your Tampa tower is a joke.

My advice (yeah, like anyone needs it)? Avoid teasing the Trump in the time before The Apprentice premiers. He's famously sensitive about his pet project and a total media whore. Just ask Martha Stewart.

Now would be a good time for Rosie and Kelli to hold a hilarious press conference of their own, though.

Rosie responds here with a nice Wikipedia cross-reference detailing Donald's business successes (can anyone say bankrupt?).

 With men like Trump around, is it any wonder we're gay?

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 21, 2006 07:46 | link | comments
gay , celebrity crap

Don't Play The Name Game with Barack Obama

Can someone explain to me what qualifies Barack Obama to be president? Other than the fact that he has memorized the Bobby Kennedy playbook and actually says things like, "We can replace fear with hope?"

Kim and I were talking about this the other night. With my poisoned-apple view of the world, I took the side that he'd never get elected acting like a '60's-style visionary.

"If he said something like RFK, something like:

'It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance,'

"he'd get laughed all the way to Berkley." RFK, we know, had chops.

What does Barack possess in the way of political know-how? Not to mention, I'm always highly suspicious when Hollywood-types form a bandwagon.

Anyone?

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 21, 2006 07:31 | link | comments (2)
obama

Best Headline of the Day So Far:
Virgin Komodo dragon to give birth
(via msnbc.com)

When the eggs of Flora the Komodo dragon, hatch in Chester, England this holiday season, it'll be no thanks to any male of the species.

"Other reptile species reproduce asexually in a process known as parthenogenesis. But Flora’s virginal conception, and that of another Komodo dragon earlier this year at the London Zoo, are the first time it has been documented in a Komodo dragon."

The zoo's reptile expert added, “But we certainly won’t be naming any of the hatchlings Jesus.”

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at December 20, 2006 19:23 | link | comments
dragons, virgins