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THE LEFT HAND COLUMN

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Monday Mailbag

Received the following this morning.   Heh, heh, heh.

Subject: Newspapers Explained

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped-minority-feminist-atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 24, 2003 08:51 | link | comments

Clearasil This Spot

I'm thinking that, in an attempt to be humorous, I failed in my duty to make the point (and this is the last thing I'm going to write about That Man, I swear to God) that I don't exactly mean to pre-judge Mr. Jackson. It's more like the general opinion one would form of any other man who chronically put himself into social positions with children that could be misconstrued (or construed, for that matter) in any number of lurid and possibly criminal ways. The common excuse is that he thinks like a child because he is so child-like. He still should refrain from interacting with children unsupervised. As a master of publicity, Jacko has to be completely aware of the unsettling outward appearance of these "friendships," given the situations hitting the press over the years. And it just isn't good. That's all I meant. Not that he did or did not actually DO anything. He just keeps putting himself in the unenviable position of being easily accused.

And in his mug shot, doesn't he look like a REALLY Old Joan Crawford photo we've all seen? I just had to ask...

Also, I've heard from one of my best ol' friends in Missouri (who knew Missourians were Yankees?) that I'm being too hard on our Northern friends. She IS right. But I feel I can attempt to be be funny about it, being only a half-breed Southerner (parents from up North adopted me in Alabama, yeehaw!). So please don't be offended. It's all in good fun. Nothing personal. All that. I mean it.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 22, 2003 20:03 | link | comments

Crank Spankers

For now, I have only three words to say: "BUH BYE, Keyshawn."

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 20, 2003 08:32 | link | comments

Whacko Jacko Redux

This just in from Reuters: arrest warrant issued for Michael Jackson.

Here we go again with another allegation by a 12-year-old boy. And this time the King of Pop's cash flow reportedly isn't flowing fast enough to keep up with him.

So much has been said, written, rumored and speculated about Jackson and his "problem" that one more piece of blog seems superfluous. But that's why we write, right, fellow bloggers? Everyone is entitled to our opinions because, God knows, in the current political environment, we need to keep speaking out (and loudly) because so many are trying to shut us up.

But back to Jacko.

Seems as though this boy/man/Diana Ross wanna-be has tipped over the edge. Usually pedophiles are organized, purposeful, and, above all, smart enough to cover their tracks for often long periods of time. Here we have a guy who has been tiptoeing through the juvenile tulips apparently so long that he feels pretty invincible. And, unfortunately, like many others (see courttv.com), he is turning out to be just another pathetic, albeit talented, man who can't keep his hands to himself.

We've all read about it, the sleepovers at Neverland, the carnival rides and exotic animals, the groups of unfortunates given days at the ranch (reminds me of Mason Verger in Hannibal but with hands that actually work). Anyone else would have already been in court.

But Jacko has money and that's what makes the world go 'round. Reports in the press are that MJ paid off the first accuser to the tune of anywhere from $30 to $45 million, making sure to include a coda that the kid can never testify against him in any criminal trial. But do contractual obligations supercede state statutes? Somehow, I don't think so and we'll be hearing from this kid-possibly in a court of law. So he doesn't have as much cash as he used to. He's got Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minelli and David Gest (ok, also not the best example of humanity) and their ilk to offer assistance.

What he does not have and never did possess is anyone in his life to tell him "No." Not one single person has ever admitted to counseling Jacko to stay out of the press, keep a low profile and keep himself in his pants. We don't know and may not ever find out just what Michael does with the boys at his sleepovers. Maybe they play X-box. Maybe they play Twister. Maybe nothing is happening in the minds of these kids except that Michael Jackson invited them over to play. What fun! What the hell was wrong with their parents? They've seen the reports. What could they have been thinking? Ahead to lawsuits? Coaching their kids on how to keep Jackson at arm's length but make some serious mental notes for later? Are there parents who would allow their children to be put in potential harm's way for money? The really, really pitiful answer is, yes, there are. You gotta see all the angles whether they make you sick to your stomach or not.  Innocent until proven guilty is one thing but I, personally, wouldn't let political correctness potentially endanger the safety of any child in my care.

In the meantime, Jackson was in Las Vegas while that new search warrant was being executed. Again. What a coincidence. And now, if there is an arrest warrant, Nevada will have to extradite him back to California. And to gum up the works, MJ can always fight it, causing delay and buying time. Plus, there are some really TALL buildings in Vegas.

The demise of Michael Jackson, the man who put out Thriller, invented the dance video and gave me and countless others the music we grew up by, is sad beyond measure. But the time for pity is over. Where there's smoke, there's fire and everybody knows it, no matter what the lawyers try to sell us. Michael needs to come clean, get help, go to jail, jump, whatever.

But, first, just stop it, Michael. Just stop it.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 19, 2003 08:58 | link | comments

Flu, Flu, My World is Flu...

So, no blogging for a while. I know, I know: a SERIOUS blogger would never let a thing like the FLU get her down. But, really, it was awful.

And I got it from the Yankees!

Ah, Jeeze, no, not THOSE Yankees. I live in Florida. A tourist state. Help me make sense of the fact that people from somewhere else come here every September and don't go away until March. And the things they bring with them: RV's, great big cars, trailers that look like giant Coors cans: the horror goes on and on. The good thing is that I don't have a job in food service so cheap tippers don't sharpie my day. Of course, the bad thing is that I'm not working at all (and these past ten days have been HEAVEN, I'll tell ya).

Oh yeah, the things they bring. Like pestilence and disease. To wit: walking through a store the other day and an elderly fellow in housewares was helping me find a bulb for my lava lamp. He had on surgical gloves. I do not think he was a doctor. I asked him about said gloves and he told me that every year after Labor Day he used to pick up a cold or somesuch bug. Knocked him on his left buttock every time. One year, right before Labor Day, he started wearing the gloves. Claims never to have had so much as a sniffle since. Said the snowbirds bring down "foreign" viruses that make Southerners sick.

Armed with this information I pulled on my Playtex gloves and put his words into practice. Didn't work at all. Not only did I get the flu but everyone who didn't already think me insane now does.

But I don't have dishpan hands.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 18, 2003 21:42 | link | comments

Where Have you Gone, Abner Doubleday?

I read this morning that the United States baseball team failed to qualify for the Olympic games coming up next year in Athens. Manager Tommy Lasorda had this to say:

"Baseball is America's game," he said. "It doesn't belong to the Japanese or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Italians. This is sad, very sad."

Followed in the same story by this comment from commissioner of baseball, Bud Selig:

"Everybody is very disappointed, as I am," baseball commissioner Bud Selig said. "It's surprising. What it shows is the game is becoming international, and at a very high level."

Make up your minds. And how do you explain all the non-"Americans" drafted by MLB every year? If it's not "their" game, whose game is it? Does the game not "belong" to them as well? We took rugby from England to these shores and turned it into NFL football (even the name "football" is a rip-off of soccer, the true football). Now Tommy Lasorda sticks his foot on his mouth trying to describe his disappointment in a baseball team which, really now, should have performed much better.

Internationally speaking, I'm muy disappointed in him, too.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 08, 2003 07:02 | link | comments (1)

B-b-b-Bennie and the Jest

In spite of being cleared by the Tampa City Council of ethics violations (foxes guarding the henhouse, if you ask me), it looks like former city Chief of Police Bennie Holder was guilty of being a pimp. He pimped his pilots, he pimped his office, and he pimped the badge of the Tampa Police Department.

Former Chief Bennie helped to transform the image of the TPD during his tenure. Ok, ok, so he could have done more to help slain officer Lois Marrero's domestic partner in her pursuit of survivor's benefits, but that's beside the point.

What he did was take a job after retiring with a firm that provided surveillance equipment. To the Tampa Police Department. He appeared in print endorsements of aerial surveillance equipment purveyed by this company wearing his TPD uniform. He authorized TPD pilots to attend trade shows to demonstrate said equipment.  All while he was serving as Chief.

Well, the plane can't fly using the equipment. The police boat outfitted with the equipment has been out of commission for nearly half the year. Meanwhile, this company donated $50,000 to the National Organization of Black Law Enforcement Executives (try organizing a White Law Enforcement Executives organization and sit back to watch the fireworks-but I digress). Just because Bennie asked.

And when the Tampa City Council checked into things, do you know what they said?

"I think we've been on this too long."

Well excuuuuuuse me.  I guess the joke's on us.  When ethics questions take too long can we count on the City Council not to do a thorough investigation?  Can we?  Can we, huh?

I'm sorry, I've been on this too long.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 07, 2003 18:06 | link | comments

EPA SchmEPA

First I read this.

Then I saw this.

Which led me to this.

Which, in turn, led me to this.

And then this.

What the hell more is there to say?  We apparently don't need to breathe good air or drink clean water anymore.  And the government agency set up to look out for those rights-I believe they are rights-is packing up and heading out to Detroit for a nice term at the beach.

What does EPA stand for?  Every Poison Allowed.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 06, 2003 14:23 | link | comments

It Doesn't Take a Degree to Know This Is Just Plain Stupid

The issue is natural gas drilling in a Montana wilderness area known as The Front. The commentor is either a lair or stupid or both.

“We aren’t going to screw up the land,” said Gail Abercrombie, executive director of the Montana Petroleum Association. “The grizzly bears and elk will be there with natural gas production. It is not one or the other. We will have both.”

Notice the careful non-mention whether the bears and elk will actually be alive.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 04, 2003 16:11 | link | comments

Couldn't They Have Just Made It An Episode of Charmed?

And in case you were wondering why television is such a wasteland comes news that The Reagans has been pulled by CBS and moved to Showtime. And if you were wondering why ultra-conservatives can't keep it in their pants, read this. The constant nonsense coming from the right is really starting to get to me. I happen to like Ronald Reagan. Even if he did fiddle while Rome burned and allowed thousands to die of AIDS before lifting a politically-motivated finger. How can anyone watch Bedtime for Bonzo and not like the guy? Remember, it's the advisors who are the evil ones, advisors like Carl Rove in the Bush White House.

So now, mossed over by politics, The Reagans moves to Showtime. Interesting that the makers of the made-for-TV movie are panting after the current administration for rules changes in the way local TV stations are owned.

I'm starting to actually believe my mom when she insists that there's nothing good on television anyway except Murder She Wrote and Matlock.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 04, 2003 15:40 | link | comments

Things That Make You Go GAK!

Job cuts are at their highest in a year but still somehow the White House describes a "robust recovery" this past weekend. Is it just me or does it seem a little contrived to say the economy is robust when so many people are out of work? And just whose economy are we talking about here? Merrill Lynch's? King George's? Bill Gates'?

Or mine, where milk is over $3.00 a gallon, where childcare costs more than tuition to a private school, where steak is a forgotten dream and chicken has become a staple, where headaches go unmedicated because a decent-sized bottle of Excedrin costs over $7.00, where I eat peanut butter sandwiches so the blogdogs can chow.

Just which economy are they talking about?

And pass the peanut butter.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 04, 2003 15:11 | link | comments

Why Stupid Things Always Seem to Happen in Florida

Ok, so first it was all the Yankees moving down with their Yankeedoodle ways, screwing everything up (I wonder how many gawking chad-counters were actually Floridians? And we KNOW Jeb is a carpetbagger...) but mostly just creating driving hazards (Right turn on red! Right turn on red!).

We southerners are constantly mocked by stand-up comics using any ol' variety of "southern" accent just to make the point that we, as a group, aren't quaat as braat as the rest of the country. Hardy-har. Then we get lambasted for pointing out things like, say, Tampa being now comprised mostly of immigrants from out-of-state and those too scared to stay in Miami. The state government wonders why hardly anyone votes (it's because hardly anyone cares or even knows what's going on here) . The lottery (another Yankee idea, if you ask me) was sold as a privatized way to contribute additional funding to a school system in desperate straits. They still crow about that. Instead, our moronic state legislature decided to cut the general revenue fund to the tune of whatever the lottery was contributing. So now we have the exact same problem as before (underfunded schools) only with scratch-offs. It now appears that the stupidity has become endemic.

Our underfunded, swampwood school system apparently CAN afford potential lawsuits like the one this will probably generate.

It must be nice to be in such denial about teenage sex, about the role of educators, about the genius that IS Florida.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 03, 2003 10:07 | link | comments

"Monday, Monday...bah da, bah da da dah..."

Random Monday thoughts (in the voice of Eric Cartman): "I'm at home and you are not....ha ha ha ha haaa ha!"

"Those goddam Buccaneers lost their suck-ass game again, dammit!"

"I'm at home and you are not....ha ha ha ha haaa ha!" (Reprise).

Most Appropriate Name for a Song by a  Country Singer Who Plugs Ford Trucks: Toby Keith, "Beer for My Horses." 

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 03, 2003 08:39 | link | comments

More Assimilation

Reported by Reuters after the helicopter downing in Iraq this morning:

Some Iraqis were jubilant. "The Americans are pigs. We will hold a celebration because this helicopter went down -- a big celebration," said wheat farmer Saadoun Jaralla near the crash site. "The Americans are enemies of mankind."

White House spokesman Trent Duffy told reporters on Sunday at Bush's Texas ranch: "The terrorists seek to kill coalition forces and innocent Iraqis because they want us to run, but our will and our resolve are unshakable."

(You'll be a democratic nation, goddammit, and you'll LIKE it!)<----editorial comment.

George Bush: promoting American democracy since 2000.

Support Our Troops: Bring Them Home.

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 02, 2003 16:46 | link | comments

A Little Bit About Me

Me after reading Pulp's entries: "Damn, why don't I get that deep, that close to the marrow, the vein, the center, the, well, pulp?"

Me in a poem from 1995 (after reading a news item about what would-be rescuers off Fort Lauderdale found at the scene of their would-be rescue):

To The Diver (whom they did not find)

AAAAAAaaaahh!

That shark scared me

when it ate you!

They said your suit was torn

and floating flat debris!

They said your stuff (not you)

was on the ocean floor!

I thought you'd want to know:

they said it was OK to swim there.

Bet they never met that shark.

Any questions?

Posted by: Likes2mtnbike at November 01, 2003 21:17 | link | comments (2)